Monday, January 11, 2010

time and time again

today has been, i dont even know the word for it really. I started school today, i have not been in school since 2004. that is when i dropped out. I was oddly nervous when i woke up this morning but i got to school and everything was fine. it was psychology and she did not waste anytime making us take notes and stuff and giving us homework. next class we have to dress up as our "favorite mental illness" and i have no idea what to do. everyone is going to do bi polar and stuff so i dont want to do that. i was thinking Trichotillomania. and buying a cheap wig at the halloween store that stays open year round and just pulling about some of the hair and cut it in round patches and have some laying on the desk around me. or is this pathetic? What are some of your suggestions?

I have been fighting super badly with the ex. Ethans father, i jsut dont know what to do anymore. I dont know how to control the fights once they are started, its so complicated. Friday night he calls me up and tells me he wants ethan the next night and that he was going to bed and calling me when he woke up, i said okay. i waited and waited, he doesnt have a cell phone because he just got out of jail in dec and his parents each have cells. no house phone. i called both of  them. neither answered, so i called them back in a hour and let ethan leave a message, still no answer. i finally get a call around 2 pm. its him. he tells me hes at his friend joshs house. i said okay how long have you been over there. to which he replied 730 this morning. i knew that was a total lie. i have a kid and i dont even wake up that early (okay i do now cause school has started but still, at this point, it was a vaild point lol) i just knew in the pit of my stomach that something wasnt right yano. girls i know you get that ify feeling, that sick to your stomach, blood pumping, heart racing, anxious feeling, you are usually right? well usually i am, so i said, cut the shit corey just tell me whats up, he finally admitted that he had went over there after i got off the phone with him and stayed the night.
i dont care what he does. but DONT LIE TO ME, i dont get why he has to, and why he feels the need to, but its fucking annoying.

so heres a list of things i was angry about
-he didnt even let me know he was leaving, without a phone, and wouldnt be there the next day when he was supposed to get ethan, knowing i would call
-lied to me about being there at 730 in the morning.
- waiting untill 2 to even call me, when he knew he wanted ethan, so if i had anything planned for the daytime, i would be screwed

I want to point out i am not mad if he goes and hangs out with his friends, we arent even together. even if we were i dont try to control my boyfriends, but in this circumstance, it was beyond messed up

Ethan goes to bed at 830. if he left joshs, he would get home , and get the car adn finally be at my house around 430, and then wouldnt return to his house till 5. okay, i dont see why you would waste most of theday with your friends but whatever.

so we argued which turned into, im a bitch, im a that, im a this. but what really took the cake is the fact that he said "he is MY son."
EXCUSE ME?! you were in jail for three years. and even before then you werent dad of the year, so let me correct you. you cannot even claim you are anything but a sperm donor untill you prove it.
we argued some more and all the past came up. i finally snapped at him and he shut up. he did end up getting ethan, and then brought him home the next day. but not untill 8. again he goes to bed at 830 and i was annoyed that i would only get 30 or so mins with him before he goes to bed. corey could not understand this and we had begun to argue some more. he finally calmed down and said, i only get so riled up because you get mad and yell at me (well stop doing stupid things?) and call me names ( i dont call a shoe a shoe, unless its a shoe, wait what?! lol) so i fire back. we lack the communication so very badly. so maybe just maybe things can get better? i dont know, he wants to talk about it on thursday when i have my break from classes.

i dont get why baby mamas get all the bad reps, i dont cause any problems, i dont start any shit. i just want my son to know his dad, and have a little free time (im entitled!).

half of those girls if not a third of them, the dads wants to be in their kids life. i have to just beg for things to go right with mine. its just heartbreaking. i know three years in jail can change someone, so heres hoping!

school was fun and im glad im back in it, it makes me feel like im actually going somewhere in my life
the teacher was calling out roll call and said "courtney quinn, that sounds like a movie star's name" and i dont think she meant dr quinn medicine woman either lol.


Lindsay said...

Oh I like your idea for Trichotillomania, I think you should do it!! I hope things get better with Ethan's father. I know circumstance like that can be tough. *hugs*